Friends

"Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
-Author Unknown.
Now that I've actually stopped to mull over it, my friends have shaped my personality (and me) over nearly 18 years. Some have come and gone, many have left indelible footprints on my heart, so many more have helped me heal....They have laughed, cried, sung and danced with me; fought my battles, laughed with me when I was laughng too hard to complete joke punchlines, and shared my lunches. I guess they all deserve atleast one blog acknowledging their incredible contributions to my world. I have cut off many from my life, due to trivial reasons; many that could've been salvaged, and looking back is painful. For the sake of discretion, I shan't mention many names, except the ones of those who won't mind(or know!).
Jeev(real name Sanjeev)....you've taught me more about human nature, relationships and trust than everyone else put together and raised to the power of infinity :). Apart from being my first love and the reason for my insomnia (I still blame u! all those late nite phone calls!!!;p), your troubled life(wat wid separated parents) and unpredictable nature removed my gullible-child blindfold pretty quickly. I'm always glad when we have an occasional, late night online chat; I'm surprised at how little I feel for you, since you were once the crux of my lil universe. I also catch flashes o you in me; sarcastic comments, a disconcertin habit of laughin at others outright. You helped uncover me; for that I will be forever grateful;from a meek, bullied girl you molded a confident (sometimes overly so) and no-nonsense 'biatch'.
Two other friends entered my life around the same time, and went on to become my best ever gal pals. I don't really wanna mention names. But that sisterhood, that feelin of rock solid support and love...I have never found it elsewhere. It helped me tide thru da worst time of my life. Thank you for holding me while I sobbed uncontrollably on learning that Shriram was dead; thank you for fighting on me side during all the stupid clique fights; thank you for listening during my extremely violent outbursts. Thank you for propping me up and teaching me to be strong,even when I pushed you away. Thank you for loving me. Often, I look at a photo or a letter, and I remember those times; I hope you do too. I'm sorry for bein such a thoughtless screwball and cutting you loose. I'm a fool.
And, ah, this one would be the hardest-since it is the most recent. They say that love is jus something that grows from frndship. That makes sense wid us, but I know the exact moment when I fell in love with you-or rather, with your smile. That smile was happy and honest and a thousand other paradoxical things all at once. I couldn't resist gazing at it in utter delight, and I always did my best to provoke it. When you smiled, the world seemed a bit better. There was no one I wanted to impress more, yet everytime I was around you, I would end up making myself look like a total doofus. And you would smile. And I would melt...
So after many conversations(mostly texting, about every conceiveable ting under the sun, from pooh to nitemares to Sridhar) and one where you unjustly laughed at my singing abilities(or lack of them!), and regaling my GYLC friends with unending stories about you, we started dating. I felt 13 again. My feet never touched the ground, my friends ran away when they saw me approaching(I bored them so bad!), I laughed like a crazy person. Slowly, I changed. You made me BELIEVE again; there was no voice in my head that said, "Yeah, right," whenever you said something mushy or sweet. I took off my nose stud, realizing I didn't need that 'tag' any longer, and after you fatally shamed me, I stopped one of my most self-destructive behaviors(you know wat I'm talking about). The night I had to say goodbye the hardest one of my life. I know you think you meant very little to me; I know you think I was stringing you along and just giving you my 'lines'. Nothing could be further from the truth. You've affected my life in more ways than you will ever realize or fully comprehend. I dont care about losing my ex-boyfrnd, but losing a frnd-that sucks. It hurts when you don't message or bother to acknowledge my existence; but I guess I only have myself to blame :(
And after all this, I realize it will be goodbye to so many more friends in a week or so....No no no no no NO! I don't wanna leave! I don't wanna buy a slam book! I don't wanna uproot my friends, so many of whom have grown familiar and dear over 4 years.
SNIFFLE :'(
I'm such a sentimental wuss.