Dirt off my shoulder...

There's this LP-Jay Z remix i hum a lot. It goes, 'U gotta get tht dirt off ur shoulder'...I know exactly wat they're talkin abt, do u?Coz thts wat I've always done....trusted u wid all tht I had, watched u stamp da bleedin pieces o ma heart, walked away wid dignity, dustin off ma shoulder, leavin u to revel in da glorious sympathy o da rumor mongers, hu neva understood hu was hurting more....

Why? Why knt i break ur shacklehold on my life, my emotions, my actions??? I know da questions; so catty, so disgusted-'Wats wrong wid her? How stupid is she?' I am really stupid, I know.....How could i never realize that love is nt supposed to hurt?That u aren't supposed to feel lonely, or insecure, or inadequate?That sometimes in order to find urself,u hav to lose da one u LURVE?

From ninth grade till now(phew thts more than 3 years) uv been in ma lyf, and thots, in one capacity or another. I rem how u would make merciless fun o ma short mushroom-cut hair, chuckin stones and yellin, '100 pts if u hit da mushroom!' inducing all da juniors to give it(me!) a shot as well. I HATED u. I rem da 9th grade insults....
'Brace face'.Ur dialogue.
'Pizza face'.Mine.
'Metal mouth'.U again.
'Bugs bunny'. Me.
And so on and so forth....I would feel so infuriated bt cum home and laff abt it to ma frnds.....And then i attended ur bday party, u used to call me up, and slowly bt surely,we bcame frnds. I found u tellin things abt NPSR, and myself, that I'd forgotten or neva confided to any1 else. We neva discussed ur string of gfs;u neva mentiond them and i was least botherd...

10th grade began...and two months into all the 'pressure', lectures abt boards(yeah ,rite) and assignments, u asked me out! I'd been warned bt it still shockd me. I remembered all da times we'd laughd over da fone abt da mere thot o bein a COUPLE, how we still insulted each oda, how u and Nakul would sit and guess wich shampoo I'd used,jus frm da smell.I said no.U promised u would wait, and we went bak to being frnds.One fine day,u askd Anne out and I neva knew...da next day at skool, I got all da sympathy and counsellin,bt i din really need t.It wa a surprise,bt I couldn get y it hurt so much.I brushd it off tinkin it was coz u hadn't told me, though we were best frnds...Then u both, da COUPLE, walkd in2 art class together,all smiling...I looked up and all o a sudden i wanted to scratch Anne's face till da blodd ran frm her white skin.I was trembling, my fingers unable to ply da pencil and sketch for da entire period.I realised then tht i cared, tht i was hurting and bewilderd,tht wen ud askd me out, ud ceased to b jus my frnd.Ud bcum a GUY.surprising,I'd neva noticed t before.....How tall u were, that u playd bball, how ur brown eyes sparkled sumtimes wid laughter and mischief.

So a long violent confused phone call later, u broke up wid Anne after lyk one single day, and we began dating after a wile.Three heady months. The couple o da skool, perfection personified. We spent evry day sittin next to each oda, coaxing each other to eat chocolate after skool, chattin on da phone at nite...

But da Gods dnt lyk, or allow, too much happiness. We got bustd by all our nosy teachers and finally ma parents got to kno. I'll neva forget ur face wen u got beltd by my mum tht day. We clung on, bt a month l8r,I calld it off.I cldnt fite it anymore. I was exhausted....to da bone.

Still,u din give up. Gave me a Val Day present, kept asking me out, beseeching....Why did I keep refusing dou I wantd to agree so badly?Maybe it was jus my sixth sense.....

In 11th and still felt lyk nuthin had changed. We were still paird together, u still kept swearin tht ud waited longer fer me than any other girl, tht u would wait till i died. How even Romeo could not luvd his Juliet da way u did, lyk da stars above....

Until I found out da truth. U'd been dating a common frnd(who, paradoxically,i befrnded thru u!) for so long....U'd never waitd, u'd neva cared, all tht ud said was jus false....Sick waves of anger and betrayal washed over me. How dared u?I wrote dis famous hi5 journal entry, and got complimentd by females i din even kno fer my guts.Bt then u told me how u used to sit wid ur GUYS and laugh at me, da desperate dumfuk. Runnin after a guy she wasnt even dating, and then blamin him? Jus leechin on? WATS WRONG WID HER, MAN?

After tht, my heart jus shattered. into a million smithereens. After the anger faded, da pain kicked in. Rite into my heart.Where it sat , made a cosy lil burrow, and gnawed weneva I heard abt how u were chasing and dating dis other girl, how u obviously dint care, how our frndship had meant nuthin to u. I was jus anoda girl to string along wid lies, and boast abt as ur conquest. Damn.

But relentless fate neva gave up. We were pitched together fer compering fer Annual day, for walkin da ramp at Vivum. Slowly, we moved on to late nite calls, discussin all tht we'd missd out on...It felt lyk nuthin had changed!U told me how u'd gone to pieces,even badgering da yoga teacher to get ur lyf on track. U were single....And my defenses were melted. I got ur Val present tht year,too.But still, it was April wen I finallly let u bak in my life, as a boyfrnd. Acc to ur estimates, ud asked me out and gotten rejectd sum 60 times.After da many arguments wid ur frnds, hu kept insistin u cared only abt me, and mine,hu were horrified wen they learnt of it, i followd my heart. I din care. The world could go to hell. I was complete only wen I lookd in2 ur eyes, and wen u disregarded my remonstrations abt PDA, tugged me by the hand and kissed me going,'Baby I luv u. Ur da only girl I've ever luvd..'. I felt a tiny bubble o happiness growin inside me, expandin outwards until t threatened to burst and make da grass greener, da sky bluer, the sun warmer. So da rest o da world could kno wat i felt lyk....

Dreams fall apart sumtimes. We wake up and evryting is different.

I realized slowly y second chances neva work. First o all there was da hype, bt nuthin beyond t. Glitter widout da gold. It was moving too fast, and ultimately da insecurities destroyd us.I worried tht u were chkin out da slim girl who was walkin past, swinging her hips. I wonderd how many girls had worn ur watch before I did. I whined in a baby voice tht u dint luv me, and felt bad wen u forgot our anniversaries(earlier,id been da one hu had neva cared).I din understnd if da clingy dependent wid da high voice was really me!Wen we walkd past Scary House and Vivek warnd u neva to take me(coz I would collapse, shrieking,into a mass o blubberin cowardice)i wonderd if u were tinkin o Nikita, whom u'd taken there.....Evry lil word, evry lil lie came bak to haunt me. Were u jus giving me ur lines? And u too....I always got paird wid other guys, and I guess my renewed frndship wid Abinav, who'd always had a soft spot fer me(dou, i maintain, not THT way) pushd ur tolerance. I put u down as always,even in public,bt i tried to keep it clean,nd i hope t was... i rem da nite I awoke. Wen u made fun o sumtin tht wasnt at all funny, rite in front o ma frnds. I was scared to look up, to c da triumph on their faces. But i saw only pity and desperate attempts to change da topic. But u were on full flow, nt to b stoppd. I'll neva forget how I felt. Lyk a worm.I walkd da floor fer 3 hrs tht nite, tinking,wondering...How and why did u do tht? Expose my vulnerability and leave me naked, crying, bcoz i trusted u? How could u destroy me? Why did u play so dirty???

Then I rememberd da endless convos.....How u calld me fat (mostly indirectly), how i felt so inadequate wen i was wid u, those stupid monologues abt how many pitchers o beers u drank and cigs u smoked.Y would I care?I realized how I'd lost myself, sacrificed my frnds, interests, and therefore da best part o me, all to please u.Love was supposed to make me happy,nt sad, needy, whiny. In da end, da reason y i dusted myself and walkd away wasnt u.It was me. I had to find myself, glue together da pieces o ma heart and learn to be da girl i once was. I still miss u and i kno u still hav hopes.bt stop callin me, stop pretending to care. If I'm nt good fer u, find sum1 else. I miss my best frnd more than my ex, and I wish he'll cum bak,bt i kno tht by da 2nd convo,ull b askin me out. So i guess theres no space fer u in my lyf anymore, coz i wnt fall down tht rabbit hole again.....
P.S-Da morning after I typed dis, I heard tht u'd made out wid sum oda female at a concert,wile v vr still 'dating'. And know what I said? "Well, I wouldn't put it past him". And I mean it.It really dnt matter, and if u did DO tht then all i kn say is GOOD RIDDANCE!