The following post is one that took me WEEKS to type...I would constantly hit the 'Backspace' key, feeling I hadn't done justice to what I was trying to say.
This post was inspired by Anne's similar one, titled 'Each time it gets easier'...
This past year, my junior year,(11th grade) I was all charged up before it began. I vowed to get top grades(that was sumthing I'd always taken for granted), participate in all activities....basically get a glowing portfolio so that no college would be able to take me lightly. I enrolled in SAT and ACE classes, and was so psyched up for what I promised myself would be the best year of my life!SWEET SIXTEEN!!!
2 months later, none of that zest remained. I was sleeping 3 hours a day, trying desperately to balance my ACE homework, Bio record, and SAT homework. I was eating two meals a day in the car. I began to lose hair and had no idea what I was doing or where I was headed....I quit ACE and wrote my SAT without studying for it at all.
I watched my straight As spiral into halfhearted Bs, got demoted from Vice Captain of the school basketball team to a substitute, and only received a Literary Badge. I wish I could say I took all these things in my stride and learned my lessons, but I didn't. I stopped playing bball because it was embarrassing-as I had been the top choice for capt, there were many questions as to why I wasn't even a team player now. I blamed politics(to an extent, that was da cause). Easy lay-ups became passes and the bball hoops that once made my heart soar now made it constrict, fearfully, into a small knot that hurt....So I learnt not to play,to sit in a shady corner and act like I didn't care.Giving up on sumthing that I'd once loved so much-that hurt incredibly...
My academics were another matter.I did do well all through the year, and as the finals approached,I took a relaxed stance. The result was that I just gave up on Chemistry and Physics in the end.In my life, I've done many night outs just to ensure I would give in that perfect paper, but now I felt skipping a few lessons wouldn't hurt...So yeah,as one can imagine, my final exam report(the one tht counts for my college applications) wasn't at all good...When I saw all those Bs I felt sure it had been a computer error..and I wish it was.
But undoubtedly,the biggest thing that I learned was about relationships. I can't pretend to have had gr8 relationship karma in the past, but this experience hurt me like no other. He was my best friend of two years and when we finally startd going out,it was the heady stuff school legends are made of. We were always together, even after we broke up.Touted as the golden couple and all that.But then I got to know that he was dating sum1 else,even after making me all those promises."There is only one girl for me", "I'll wait for u forever".....My world shattered and my gfs could only nag about how they'd always been right about him.I still got paired with him for everything, from ramp walking to compering, and though I eventually forgave him, I can never forget the lesson he taught me, inadvertantly-that sometimes, you can only rely on yourself, because you're the only one who knows where and how much it hurts.And living is simply all abbout moving on.
I lost my two grandfathers-one to prolonged diabetes and its complications, the other to heart failure. In their deaths, I realised the worth,grit and extraordinary courage of these two men, who had devoted their lives to service and risen, from villagers to respected doctors. I was inspired.....until the drudgery of being ME came back to haunt me.The power of my lost dreams-being a winning capt, a top student, a peerless orater-seems so weak and pathetic. I've lost touch with friends I'd vowed to keep, pushed some away when I needed them most, sunk so deeply into passive acceptance that I've forgotten what it was to want, and get, only the best. Maybe today I'll go play a game of bball, call up an old frnd I miss, hit my SAT books at long last.I dnt want to lose what I was-the fire eating, fiercely determined achiever.I'm afraid I might already have.......But just for today, I believe I CAN!
6 comments:
trust me megs..i todally get da feel ov it...i dun realli kno wadda say..except somethin dat v prolly used 2 use in kindergarten ..but it describes the moment perfectly "same pinch " :D
Fantabulous! There is not one thing that I cannot relate to myself. (Though in a slightly different perspective). We all have a tool... a tool of anger. I figured out how powerful a tool it can be sometimes. When you are down in the dumps, doing badly in what you do best, with everyone around you being oh so comfortable with things, use anger. Anger on yourself. Ask yourself "You ass, what the hell were you upto all this time? This is your game. You are the hunter, not the hunted". And trust me, I felt this about a week ago, probably the only time I felt such a feeling, and it has worked for me. I notice that my craving and enthusiasm for competition and success has come back. I want to be doing things. I want to do what I want to do... and do it goddamn well. When you are going through a rough patch, always tell...nay..remind yourself that there is something good waiting round the corner. Sometimes, especially in the matters of the heart, you cannot even think of a time when you will be happy again. But, everything happens for ones own good. And you will get over it. It is only a matter of time. I can tell this to you with conviction because I have just come out of such a situation. Cheers!
Cooooooooooooooooool ! i loved it ! i cant really relate to all thats happened there , im reffering to the point about relationships , pretty depressing how that turned out , anyway the rest of the article was magnifique...gu-job ! and MS heres a huge Grin...i think thats done its job .
awsome !!
really .... i lykd this one a lot ....
yeah smetimes when things just dont go the way u want them to or u expect them to ... i swear.... all the frustation just makes u go bonkers and bfre u kno it ..... u go down and down and down ....
bt the gud thing is when sanity returns u have the courage to look bak and say that u messed up .... and straigthen things up ..... a bit ....
trust me u seem to have finally got some sense into tht head of urs.. and wheres the mention of u an him being together again... i wish i cld say the same with doo too but i cant... so anyways thts smthn for another blog another time
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